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Friday, February 15th, 2008
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I'm really missing Colin, Brittany and (of course) Martin..
Martin and I got into our first "discussion" today..Yeah..It sucked..
I miss all my friends!! I want/need a get away weekend or something..
In the morning my sister and Meghan will be off to hit the road again! :(! I'm so nervous about them going..*sigh*, *ugh*..The DR's think Bethany has a staph infection on her face..yes i said her face..the same one big mom had, which she had to have surgery for..UGH!!
GOD!! I hate it that she leaves, shes sooo grounding for me and I miss her SO much when shes gone :(..
I just want to be snuggled right now..
*sigh*
Goodnight to all
With love,
Nikki
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Monday, January 28th, 2008
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Happy Birthday Sweetie!!
I love you!!
<3,
Nikki
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OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!
I am SOOOO HAPPY!!!!
Six years we've been waiting and planning and trying to figure things out..
and..
COLIN GOT THE LOAN FOR SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! You know what that means????
CHEST SURGERY!!
You know what that means??
A HAPPY LIVING COLIN!!!!
I am so fucking happy!! *tears*
YAY!! I love you sweetie!! Mustard is QUITE happy too!! O:)!!
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Friday, January 25th, 2008
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So..I met this boy..He's amazing..
He writes for/to me, reads to me, and plays his flute for me..
*feels loved* I just..am..falling in love with him..Nods* thats that, I am..
With love,
Nikki
A couple poems he wrote for me..
Plasma ball tingles
Plasma ball tingles
A presence in my chest
Mouth spreading, then freezing
Giggles erupt
I meet myself Like a pleasant stranger, A bosom friend. Your heart is as delicate
as shimmering wings.
It throbs for family and friends.
Oh, teach me to touch it
without damaging
its beautiful scales.
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Monday, January 7th, 2008
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| Subject: | So.. |
| Time: | 7:06 pm. |
| Mood: |  surprised. | | Music: | Mariah Carey-Through the Rain. |
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I just totally got asked out on a date..
Someone from the cities, his name is Joe. Saturday is his birthday and he'd "like me to join him" :)!
I don't know if I'm going to be able to go though, because Saturday is SO busy for me..
Man..How SHITTY!! Bleh!!
<3,
N
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Sunday, January 6th, 2008
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It's a nice day out, overcast though nice. The snow is melting and I'm sure it must be warm. Overcast is my favorite. It's amazing how much a person can appreciate swallowing when they can't. Last night when I took my last dose of meds, it was the worst tasting thing I have ever tasted. My diabetic meds smell like fish food I'm not sure how fish food tastes but if it tastes like that I feel bad for my goldfish, LOL! It was SO horrible..I wasn't able to go into work today like I signed up for, I hate calling into work. It truly upsets me. my doctor says I may not be able to work tomorrow either..
I'm kind of having a hard time the last couple weeks because I feel like I am always sick, I'm trying so hard to be positive and eat healthier and keep my blood sugars down like they are supposed to be but it's hard when I'm sick so much. My blood sugars get higher when I'm sick because my body is busy trying to fight the infection. My body is really just broken, it feels like. I am getting so discouraged lately..I'm just TRYING to keep my eye on the ball and just keep going and take this one day at a time, since really thats all I can do..I just wish it didn't have to be like this. I mean it's really hard to be 21 and have to be taking five shots a day and so many pills..
Eh, it just sucks!! Bleh!! Oh well, I guess I just need to keep pushing through..
It just gets discouraging..
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Saturday, January 5th, 2008
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So..I went to the urgent care today and I'm very sick..I have strep or mono, they aren't sure which one yet. So, I am totally curled up on the couch watching a movie with the moms and a couple family friends..My tonsils are swollen and and I can barely swallow..So, to take pain reliever and the antibiotic I have, I have to crush it and eat it in applesauce or something. :(! It hurts and it sucks so bad..My doctor is leaning towards mono because I've been so achy and sore..Though I think I've been achy and sore for longer then I seem to remember. Who knows, time will tell..They are doing a test to see if I have strep and if I don't they are going to test me for mono in a couple days..They I guess can't test for mono until it's been like 4-5 days!!
Anyways!!
I wish Colin was here still..I miss him..It seems the cat misses him too, as well as Perry!! They both have been like laying near me and the cat has been meowing at me constantly....I just finally looked at her and said "I can't bring him back right now.." and she left me alone after that..
Well, I suppose I should pay closer attention to the movie!!
<3 to all,
Nikki
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Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
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Hola Everyone!!
I really need to start posting in LJ more.
How was everyone's new years eve? I hope well!
I spent mine with Colin. :)! It has been quite wonderful spending the week with Colin!!
I hope you all had a wonderful and safe new years!!
Love to all,
<3N!KkI<3
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| Subject: | life |
| Time: | 11:10 pm. |
| Mood: |  blah. | | Music: | match box 20-Push. |
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Life is so interesting these days! I am having an emotional day today! I hope this feeling goes away! BLAHFUCKBLAH!
~N~
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Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
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So last monday morning I woke to a phone call telling me my sister Meagen had got hit and killed by a car...Not the best phone call to wake up to...
We...Meaning Big mom, Me, Bethany, Nora, Danny and Marissa left tuesday morning at 6am for Florida...Meagen was living in Florida with her dad...So we arrived Wednesday evening and thursday was the viewing and the funeral...the viewing was hard for me...I didn't think it would be but it was...it was hard to see my sister lifeless...The whole trip down here was sort of unreal ya know? I mean they called and said she was gone but I guess in the back of my mind I had hoped she really wasn't...When I saw her...It was real...After I saw her things got weird for me...I had nightmares about her...I have been trying to look at pictures of her and you know get the image of her lifeless out of my mind and the image of her full of life back...It's been hard...
The funeral was nice...Bethany, Nora, Danny, Marissa and Meagen's other sister Gia did some irish dancing/moshing to a flogging molly song that Meagen loved...Meagen's mom said some nice words and so did mine...We've been staying with Meagen's dad and it's been kinda hard...I think really it's just all been hard...We went camping Sunday night at a camp ground near the beach and that was a nice get away...We went to the beach and it was beautiful. I've never been to the Atlantic Ocean only the Pacific...So that was nice...I found two sand dollars and got lots of shells...Today we put a marker where she was hit and it's a nice one...We put a Pirate and a sign that says "Pirate Crossing" (Meagen loved Pirates...) and Nora painted a sign that says
"In Memory Of Meagen Ann Cravey 1/22/91--3/19/07 Live Free Yarr!" It also had an Aquarious sign and a pirate P on it...It was/is beautiful Nora did a great job...
We're packing up and leaving tomorrow and we'll be home by like Friday...I return to work Monday and back to life we go...It will be good for everyone to get back to work and do what they need to do you know? Because otherwise this will be ALL we can think about...Right now it's all thats on my mind and I start to think about or stress about something else and I can't...I hope getting back to Menomonie and getting back to work will help...My birthday is on the 10th and Meagen's Wisconsin memorial service is the 14th so that'll be on our minds for the next two weeks getting ready for that but once the memorial service is over we will have done all the funeral and memorial stuff and we can go on with remembering her...I am getting a tattoo of a Raven(it's a bird just fyi) and it's gong to say "Soar and be free" and then also say "Meagen Ann Cravey 1/22/1991-3/19/2007"...I'm going to get it as soon as I get back...sometime after tuesday my tattoo guy will be back into town...It's going to be on my left shoulder...
Anyways...I should probably get going...I need to finish doing laundry and packing and you know stuff you gotta do when you're about to go on a almost 30hr car ride! Ahh! :-/!
Peace and Love to all,
~*~Nikki~*~
*~*In Loving Memory Of Meagen Ann Cravey 1/22/1991-3/19/2007*~*
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Sunday, February 18th, 2007
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Call Me When You're Sober Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
] Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.
How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.
So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind. Lithium Lithium - don't wana lock me up inside
lithium - don't wana forget how it feels without
lithium - I wana stay in love with my sorrow
oh but God I want to let it go
come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
couldn't hide the emptiness you let it show
never wanted it to be so cold
just didn't drink enough to say you love me
I can't hold on to me
wonder what's wrong with me
Lithium - don't wana lock me up inside
lithium - don't wana forget how it feels without
lithium - I wana stay in love with my sorrow
Don't want to let it lay me down this time
drown my will to fly
here in the darkness I know myself
can't break free until I let it go
let me go
Darling, I forgive you after all
anything is better than to be alone
and in the end I guess I had to fall
always find my place among the ashes
I can't hold on to me
wonder what's wrong with me
Lithium - don't wana lock me up inside
lithium - don't wana forget how it feels without
lithium - I wana stay in love with my sorrow
oh I'm gunna let it go |
| Subject: | blah |
| Time: | 11:54 am. |
| Mood: |  sick. | | Music: | Evanescence, playing in my head. |
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I am feeling a bit sick today, fluish actually. I hate feeling this way. I hope I am not coming down with the flu, the flu sucks. So, tonights at my moms is the L Word Party...Dinner and then watching the L Word...I really like the L Word this season, the first season kinda sucked and the second season was okay but it gets better every season.
So, I can't find my Evenescence CD and I really wish I could...I loved that CD! Maybe I should just buy it again. Or maybe someone has it and I can dub it? Amy (From Evanescence), she's beautiful and her voice is amazing. I can really relate to her newest song that's out, I don't remember what it's called though *thinks* nope can't think of it.
Anyways, I better get going I gotta relax and possibly take a nap before the L Word Party....
Peace and Love to all,
~Nikki~
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Saturday, February 17th, 2007
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"He's worth getting hurt if that's what ends up happening."
I said that once, to a dear friend...
and the thing is...
It's true!
He was worth getting hurt!
We both grew....
Even though we grew and realized it wasn't meant to be...
We still were good for each other for the time being...
And...
Friend's we'll be...
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I've decided I am going to start posting in here again...I havent posted in here since last april....
I kinda miss it....Hope everyone is well....
Love,
Nikki
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WE GOT A HOUSE! We put an offer in on a house and we got it. They accepted our offer! So, come June we're moving into our new home AND having the wedding...Within TEN days! aahh! Anywho! Just thought I'd update about us getting the house! I know I don't update a lot anymore!
Take care everyone!
Peace and Love,
Nikki
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Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
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Hello Everyone;
Some of you may know this story and some may not, I am sending this to all in my address book. So, if you could please take a moment to read the attached letter you will better understand. (For those of you who do know, there is also an update.) :)!
I've been helping my moms out for over a year now. Paying $300.00/mo to the lawyer and whatever else I can do beyond that. I am currently engaged to be married in June and looking to buy a house with my fiance and come Jan. we will no longer be able to pay $300.00/mo. My moms UU church has started fundraising along with some of the UU's within our area. I am asking that you please pass this letter along to your parents, friends, and possibly even your UU church (if you go to one). I totally understand if all you can do send is your thoughts, those always help too. I appreciate your time in reading this and your thoughts. I hope all is well.
Peace and Love,
Nikki Smith
Greetings Friends, Family & Friends we haven't met yet,
We are writing today for two reasons; first, despite the brutal discrimination against our family by the court, we have recently made exciting progress in Riley's adoption case and wanted to update everyone! And second because we have incurred unexpected legal expenses recently that are required to complete our adoption and we must find a way to raise those funds. We are hoping that each of you will liberally forward Riley's story and website http://www.friendsofriley.org to friends, family, coworkers, elists and supportive organizations to gain their support.
We are providing a very condensed version of Riley's story here for those that haven't heard it. For those of you that are familiar with his story, an update follows below. To view family photos and for a detailed description of the discrimination faced by Riley's family please visit Friends of Riley - An Adoption Nightmare. You can also feel free to place a link to his site on your own site. Thank you all so much for your support. We couldn't have made it through this without you! And we ARE almost through this!
Riley's Story
After raising our son from birth to 11 months old, we were asked by his biological parents to adopt him. We agreed to enter into an open adoption, where they could both be a part of his life. When he was fourteen months old, we learned that his biological mother's ex-husband (no biological relation to our son) did not want Riley to be adopted by lesbians so he illegally fought in court to obtain custody of our son and won.
Unfortunately for our son, the judge and Guardian ad Litem that were appointed to his case, shared the ex-husband's religious and social views about children being raised by gay parents. As a result, despite the law being in favor of our adoption, the court ordered that Riley had to spend a substantial amount of time in this man's home, while we fought at the higher court.
Update
Riley is now coming up on 2 & 1/2 years old. For half of his young life he has been forced to spend time in the home of an unrelated man, despite his objection through tears, pleading and begging not to be pulled out of his mothers arms each time he is dropped off. This situation has been devastating for our son and has detrimentally affected his life. And yet, we had no choice but to cooperate with the court's order.
Thankfully the WI Court of Appeals and the WI Supreme Court both ruled in our favor!
After a long hard struggle to get where we are today, we finally believe that the end of Riley being separated from his family for extended periods of time, is in sight!
First our really great news; over the last couple of months the court has replaced both the judge and the Guardian ad Litem who were clearly discriminating against our family.
Second, we go to court on December 16 and expect to have our son come home full-time on that day (his time is currently split week to week between our home and the ex-husband's home).
We expect to obtain our adoptive placement on Dec 16 and be on the road to a final adoption very soon!
Despite our confidence that Riley will come home full-time that day, the ex-husband has been very clear that he intends to appeal the circuit court's decision. We have tapped every resource imaginable and continue to struggle to pay the nearly $55,000.00 in legal bills that we have acquired. We are painfully aware that another appeal will cause those numbers to rise rapidly. Without the support of people outside our family, we have no idea how we will manage his legal bills and unless we find a way to mange them, we cannot finalize our adoption.
We have dedicated our lives to being there for children that have no parents. We currently have seven children (though our numbers fluctuate). Every penny of our already lower than average income goes to the care of our children. However, currently a full half of our income is spent each month on Riley's legal bills. This added expense has had a substantial impact on our family. We are struggling. We are reaching out for support because we can see no other way.
Last week we received a $1600.00 bill from the adoption agency that we were not expecting. We are hoping through this email request to at least get that paid off by January, when it is due. We simply cannot foresee coming up with any extra money to get that bill paid and yet it needs to be paid to complete our adoption. Thus our current request for donations.
We are ever grateful to everyone who has contributed to our legal fund for Riley. We have acknowledged each of you (by placing your initials and state and the amount contributed) on Riley's site, Thanks to Those Who Have Contributed. We know that the average family cannot afford to contribute. And to them we extend our gratitude for their prayers and thoughts, for which we are just as grateful! We know that many of those who sent contributions took the funds from their own family's budget. We cannot express how much we appreciate your help. Riley deserves to have his family intact and your help has made that happen for him! Thank you, thank you, a million times, thank you!
We are hoping that each one of you will take the time to send Riley's story and website http://www.friendsofriley.org/ to your friends, family, coworkers and supportive organizations.
Should you be able to contribute to his legal fund you can send payments to:
Riley's Legal Fund
PO Box 844
Menomonie, WI 54751
Checks can be made payable to: "Riley's Legal Fund"
Paypal credit card donations can be made under the email address: helpingriley@friendsofriley.org at www.paypal.com
Should you be able to hold a fundraiser at your church, community event or through your organization please contact Melissa at nurturehrt@aol.com.
We are eternally grateful to three members of our church, Chuck Barnard, Dennis Spader and Lynn Hausman, for spearheading the fundraising efforts on Riley's behalf. They have set up the legal fund, PO box and website, manage all incoming and outgoing funds and do monthly bookkeeping. We are equally grateful to the lawyers that have handled our case, Carol Gapen and Stella Pagonis, who have worked countless hours to bring our son home. This has been a long hard battle but in the end our son will be home and secure with the family that he needs and trusts.
Thank you all again for your support, prayers and contributions. Knowing that we have people behind us has kept us afloat through this nightmare. We love our son very much and long to tuck him into bed every night, kiss every owie and celebrate every holiday with him from here on out. Your support, prayers and contributions are bringing that hope into reality. THANK YOU!
We will update everyone after we go to court in a few weeks. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Love & Blessings,
Melissa, Mandy & Riley
Nicole, Bethany, Doug, KJ, Christian, Kelan
all our extended family & friends
and equally important, Riley's biological parents, Scott & Lisa, who have tirelessly fought to keep Riley with his family
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Saturday, July 23rd, 2005
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Feeling a bit blah lately!
I think I'm going to start my period soonish! Blah!
I'm out!
Love to all,
Nik
I love you baby!
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hmmm...what should I write about? I don't know...life's just been busy but I said that in my last entry.
I have to work tomorrow...bleh! I'm so exhausted...
Okay so...queer as folk was just sooooooooo powerful and wow...
okay so...I should go take a shower and go to bed...gotta be up wayyyy early and take my baby to work then go to work myself!! :)! night to all!
lots of love,
Nik
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Saturday, July 16th, 2005
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Busy busy busy!
Life's been soooooo damn busy!
I hurt my back at work...So, I'm on light duty oh how they love that! My boss isn't so happy. But oh well...I have to go to PT on tuesday ish ish ish! Anyways, it's just been crazy! My dr has me on muscle relaxers and pain killers...Trying to just not take those for the sake of NOT getting addicted...
Anyways...On the up note we're planning our vacation to seattle...SIX WEEKS AWAY!!! Yay! It's exciting! :)!
Oh and on another up note...Daniel and I ordered promise rings...For our 5mo anniversary we're getting a room and giving each other rings...Yayness! :)!
Our 5mos is coming up...Well our 4mos is on the 24th but then it's our 5mos after that THEN our 6mos! Hehe! I love him sooooo much! He's so good to me and we're going to have such a wonderful life together...
Anyways my mom is being impatient and NEEDS to make an itenerary(sp) for the seattle trip so I better get going!
lots of love and hugs to all
*~*Nik*~*
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Well, I noticed I haven't updated since may 14th. Wow! I didn't even update to say Daniel got here safely or anything.
Well, he's here. He's great, I'm great, We're great!
Life's been very busy and hectic lately. Kristin has been getting a lot better with me. I talked to her in my review about things between us and she's a lot better now. I think there's a lot more respect between us. I often feel appreciated now. Karen, bleh! She's still on my kinda shitty list but hopefully sometime soon she'll get better.
Life's been very busy. I'm sorry I can't write these days. I'm ALWAYS on the go...
Speaking of on the go...I need to go! Just thought I'd quickly update and say I'm alive he's here and doing well...
Lots of love to all!
Love always,
Nik
You say you care but do you really? Is it selfish reasons or is it really that you care...You should be happy that I'm happy...It's always been that way for me...*Sigh* I love you and I miss you...
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rainbotears's journal
discontent.
ecstatic.
loved.
content.
empty.
bouncy.
grateful.
busy.
thirsty.